things to do in ny when you’re [not] dead

Ok so I’m just a tad  bit late posting my Surfers Healing vid. Kinda like Christmas in July only in reverse. Blame it on a long-needed technology break.

I made the video the very night we got back from the beach but after all that gleeful work the final export crashed and burned, as techie things oft do, so I needed a little breathing space. Happily I am no longer in the corporate world so I can afford myself such luxuries as wiggle room and breathing space. Aaaaah, the joys of not being strapped to a laptop nine to five.

(… or to be more precise, nine to five AM-the-next-morning,  as my friends would be more than happy to remind me).

So five months later and voila! I’m all refreshed and ready to unveil Anna’s nearly-celluloid debut! Enjoy!

I hereby announce … I plan on being one of the <insert amount here> percent who do not cheat on their person and who have a happily ever after. I googled “% of men cheat” and decided that rather than pondering the mysteries of the divorce rate as I have in the past, I am going to be inspired by the <insert awe-inspiring number here> percent of people who stay together. <Superduper-awe-inspiring amount> is great, right? Wow!!! Can I be in THAT group? Yaay!

Mary, queen of smart, says “Surrender into the reality that it is true … Continue to relax more and more into it. Keep coming back and re-creating.”

See, I get to create my relationship, see?

I get to say how great it is and how full of light and joy and love. I get to say how much we can communicate when a blip happens. And how much I can step up to the plate when I see he needs help. Or ask for what I need when I need a hand.

We promised to understand that it will not always be perfect. We promised to stick through any tough time and to know that it will pass. We promised to do all we can to make sure it’s always as great as it can be and to support one another as much as we can.

What was my goal?

“A delightfully fun-filled, sweet, soulful, supportive, contented, healthy, loving relationship grounded in trust and filled with positive energy with a special, affectionate, easy-going, loyal, supportive, loving man who adores me and laughs with me every day for years to come.”

Mary (and Kevin) say I have the opportunity to receive it for a lifetime.

Isn’t that cool? A lifetime!

Today … and just in time, too! … I found this supercool article about How to Change the People Around You. HA!

First of all, don’t you just love and smile at and eat up the name of it? It’s just so delicious.

I so despise negativity and when people get mad at traffic and situations … and then I realized that my despising it is just another level of NOT Loving What Is.

Ok now it’s complicated here, try to stay with me!

Level One, which I have mastered beautifully, is to not get mad at the traffic or the situations or the stupid shit that arises all around me every day because it is just that. Stupid shit.

And it will rear its silly head each and every day as sure as I know the sun will rise.

And I may (or may not … often not) get tweaked for a split second before I realize it’s just stupid everyday stuff that is meant to be there. So often I will not even be irked at all, which is truly a delight. It just does NOT even matter.

If I do get miffed for a moment, I can pretend-vent-scream in my car for a split second and then laugh at the driver who did the exact same inane thing I may have done the week before.

I am doing stupid shit ALL the time, let me tell you, I am so imperfect that it allows for other drivers to be let off the hook dozens of times in memory of my own foibles.

And if I have not made that particular transgression, they still get a pass.

So those things are on Level One of Loving What Is.

Now, the more intricate and difficult to master and heretofore completely uncharted territory of Level Two is thinking that others should be Loving What Is. A-ha! You see? What a tricky web we weave when we are trying to be happy and free! We need to drag everybody else in on our joyride and they may not be coming! How dare they not come!

So now I need to allow them to be stuck in the muck. And to know that that is ok and to love that reality. Damn! That was hard for me.

Or not.

They should be Loving What Is … Is that true? Can I really know that that’s true? They should be upset … because they are. That is what is real and true. That is what is happening right now. Accept it and allow it to be.

I have the power to choose what I focus on and I can allow them to be what they are being right now without thinking they shouldn’t be it. I can still be what I am, that does not need to change. They are feeling upset. I am not.

And both things are ok. Both are perfect and right.

I’m up for a challenge. Level Two here I come, I’m ready to play!

 

The very next thing to drop out of the sky and into my world was a life-sized puzzle piece which looked suspiciously like a man with a genuine smile and cute dimples. The stars aligned and I manifested a very beautiful relationship. No thought process necessary, just relax and enjoy the ride, that’s what happens when two puzzle pieces meet. What a unique and unexpected turn of events.

And he says, “Now that I’ve found you, I can’t imagine spending a day without you.” Among other cool things. Like, “I’m the luckiest man in the world.”

Which is exactly what we should be lookin’ for.

But the real thing we should be looking for, which I accidentally found, is the feeling that what you just naturally do fits what another person just naturally needs.

And you don’t have to take advanced classes to pass this relationship’s final exam. It’s effortless.

Not in the traditional sense of the word … without effort … because it does require effort, mainly in the form of open-heart communication and radical honesty … but the things-flow and I-can-breathe version of that word … the magical word  e f f o r t l e s s  and all the space that allows around you and how calm and peaceful it makes you feel and the smile it puts on your face because you can just relax and BE.

Because being fully Col is a beautiful thing.

Ok, “holy shit” …

Yesterday Andy let me take home the Abraham card I had pulled at his house and it said

“I now hold the key to creating my every desire”

“It is not possible to consistently feel positive emotion about something and have it turn out badly- for the way you feel will tell you if you are allowing your natural Well-Being or not. Once you understand that they way you feel indicates your level of allowing or resisting, you now hold the key to creating anything you desire.”

Well, I feel really happy and enthusiastic about scouting out these locations but I was concerned about getting paid because I’ve never worked with someone who I have only met over the internet. I was all in my head about it, wanting advice from others so I shot out dozens of tentacles in dozens of different directions … no one was raising their hand to help me so I just decided to send the guy a contract with a 1/3 down, 1/3 upon delivery of first materials and balance upon final delivery clause and I just said “this is how I work, please take a look and let me know if this works for you.”

It was a very personable and straightforward message but before I hit “send” I had this tiny fear … I was afraid to ask because I didn’t want to scare him away and I almost wanted to even say that to him, but I thought, “I’m just gonna ask for what I need, it’s not unreasonable” … I told him that I’m here to do a great job for him and I’m really enthusiastic about it … so I asked for what I needed and check it out …

I swear about ten minutes later >poof!< there was a deposit in my account, he just sent it right out, no questions asked, holy shit!

So tomorrow I get to go on a treasure hunt for locations … I just loooove maps and treasure hunts, you know me! So how cool is that?

 ( author unknown- coming to me via my brilliant friend Marian )

• A tendency to think and act deliberately rather than from fears based on past expectations
• An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment
• A loss of interest in judging others
• A loss of interest in judging SELF
• A loss of interest in conflict
• A LOSS OF INTEREST IN INTERPRETING THE ACTIONS OF OTHERS ( Marian couldn’t help but enlarge this one! Hmm … why is that? )
• A loss of ability to worry
• Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation
• Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature
• Increasing susceptibility to kindness offered and the uncontrollable urge to reciprocate
• AN INCREASING TENDENCY TO ALLOW THINGS TO UNFOLD RATHER THAN RESISTING AND MANIPULATING

Woweee! What good stuff! My friends also said this other good stuff …

Hi Col,

Wow, you sound…human. It is so easy to slip into the future and  to worrying about it and those voices in our head are there to keep us safe. They just go overboard some times. Stay in the present, man in front of you saying he (is not dating) anyone else. How do you feel when you think the thought, I need to know that he is not looking for someone else to protect myself? But you know all this and so do I. You are safe right now and none of us have guarantees about the future, each moment is a gift and you are a gift to the peaceful warriors, and  to your new friend. You continue to inspire me with your openness and awareness!! Stay present, continue to examine your thoughts and enjoy this relationship!

Much love,

Marian

————-
Hi Col:

First and foremost, remember this: You’ve already got more than half the battle won:  you’re developing the self-awareness to be able to notice when you are playing the game.    From here, change is possible!

So.. next step: what self-coaching questions can you shift  to whenever you find yourself playing that game?

I can imagine all kinds - these three - all very different - might help you shift to generating your own list:

What matters most?

If I were living a blissful life regardless of guy-status, what would I be doing now?

What am I not facing by playing the what if game?

Have fun with this - brainstorming good questions for yourself is strengthening your “I can choose again” muscle.

And one last thought: when you catch yourself playing what if…, its time to congratulate yourself for noticing, so that shifting  perspective is possible.    There is a pothole on this street - its called beating ourselves up when we notice as if we’ve caught ourselves doing something wrong -but that detours way off in the wrong direction, so mark it on your map but don’t go there!

Here’s a thought, kind of a simple-pool-of-water kind of a thought, that came after I read your note:

fall in love with yourself first

There is so much to love in you!  I can’t imagine our PW circle without your rich and generous spirit.

xoxo
Kim

————

Col,

What if, no matter what, you are going to end up with the perfect relationship? What if, the perfect man for you is going to find you? What if, he is the perfect man and what’s going on right now is all in your head….

Just a thought of some what if’s that can help you. REMEMBER, you make your own reality. Accept what is, if he is looking to date someone else and you find out, no matter what YOU’RE SAFE because you choose to be safe. No one can change that or take that from you. Love yourself and have confidence in your choices. Know that if you find out he’s lying and dating others than it is a blessing to know one more guy who ISN’T Mr. Right and be one step closer to the man who is.

What if, YOU ARE PERFECT just he way you ARE?! Let God’s light shine through your genuine personality and leave the worrying up to somebody else. Just enjoy what you do have and don’t fret on the what ifs… because the more you obsess the more likely you’ll bring that upon yourself.

Remember you are as safe as you choose to be. You can have a totally open heart with the agreement to yourself that no matter the
outcome, its okay! Because it was meant to be that way and it will always turn out right!

Lots of love and comfort to you,
Stephanie

(Where do I get this stuff?

Each situation I experience with another person is the perfect and necessary one for my evolution.

Because of this, it is important that I do not cling to negative emotions such as anguish, depression, frustration or anger and than I try to see it at every moment as what life wants to teach me.

Each person I know has a message for me and until I listen to it, it is highly probable (trust me! ) that it will be repeated.

In every situation, repeat to myself:
Everything is perfect.
In time, it will be crystal clear.

So that piece was paraphrased from some numerology or astrology thing which I excavated in my clearing process today, what a cool discovery! Great magic, great synchronicity!

A former therapist of mine had done this super-in-depth astro-workup on me and it’s actually really fascinating and really spot on although I’m at the same time thrilled to find that my own notes from that time are sooo very OFF … what I was looking for in a relationship sounds like some silly fairy tale  and my feelings were exaggerated and immature … BOY have I come a LONG way, DAMN! I would’a been a nightmare to have a relationship with, how come guys always said I was the best girlfriend they ever had? I had some pretty unhealthy patterns goin’ on there!

So nice and so great to breathe in the major difference I feel now. Thank you god, thank you universe!

So here is the modern-day piece:

What-If Scenarios

If I do pull a what-if, I do it out of self-protection. As a general rule, I am not a what-iffer. I do not believe in what-iffing, unless it’s what-if-UPping … “What if I go to work today and everybody loves me?”  That’s an example of some nice what-if-upping!

Nevertheless, there are occasions when I pull a fast one and take to what-iffing. I have been doing it a bunch lately, to my dismay. I need to keep redirecting myself.

Scenario A :: Worst-Case
“What if the guy I’m dating is looking for somebody else to hook up with on match.com? I need to know that and to protect myself” is the theoretical concept here.

Scenario B :: Pre-Approval
“I just want you to know that when we go to California, if I’m sick, I may want to lie down.” This is when I want someone to be prepared for a possible scenario, again to protect myself. In this scenario, the what-if that I’ve warned them about often doesn’t even occur. I may go, feel sick and then just suck it up and have fun anyway and the person wouldn’t even have known it. But I want them to understand that the possibility exists so they know what may happen and not get upset if it does happen. I want them to accept me, either way. To get pre-approval.

I need to find ways to make myself feel safe.

Ask myself:

• Is this coming from fear or is this a legitimate thing that’s happening? (Can I really know that it’s true?)
• What are the odds that it will happen?

Do what I can to “pick off” assumptions, like in a tin-can alley (is that what you call those things where you shoot the tin targets?)

• Replace the thought with a new one.
• Body work: deep breath, notice feet on floor, reach up … anything to interrupt the pattern.
• Get busy doing.

This one is a work in progress so I’ll keep you updated as I discover new and wondrous ways for Col to make herself feel s a f e !

Every single moment of this … look at the motion he makes when he says “sparks ignite,” gesturing to where the pain has been for me, talking about “washing the sickened socket.” This is exactly how I’m feeling … every word, every syllable. And, for me, it’s quite hopeful.

‘Cept for “I’m a sex change” … still have to figure that one out! ;)  Maybe that means I’m in transition, going to be a brand new person after this. That sounds good, right?

Straight Line / Silverchair

Breathing from a hole in my lung
I had no one
But faces in front of me
Racing through the void in my head
To find traces of a good luck academy

Sparks ignite and trade them for thought
About no one
And nothing in particular
Washed the sickened socket and drove
Resent nothing
There’s good will inside of me

Wake me up lower the fever
Walking in a straight line
Set me on fire in the evening
Everything will be fine
Waking up strong in the morning
Walking in a straight line
Lately I’m a desperate believer
But walking in a straight line

Something I will never forget
I felt desperate
And stuck to the marrow  
Invisible to everyone else
I’m a sex change
And a damsel with no heroine

Wake me up lower the fever
Walking in a straight line
Set me on fire in the evening
Everything will be fine
Waking up strong in the morning
Walking in a straight line
Lately I’m a desperate believer
But walking in a straight line

I don’t need no time to say
There’s no changing yesterday
If we keep talking and
I keep walking in straight lines

Wake me up lower the fever
Walking in a straight line
Set me on fire in the evening
Everything will be fine
Waking up strong in the morning
Walking in a straight line
Lately I’m a desperate believer
But walking in a straight line

- © Daniel Johns 2007 / Silverchair

Not much into poetic interpretation / yearn for clarity? Check out translation for what the lyrics mean to me … Or just bask in the beautiful vaguery!

Convo with my magic genie hailing from Denver, CO …

Genie: (talkin’ ’bout a tarot card called “the tower”)

The Tower.  In a moment it is over. In a moment the false structures and beliefs come tumbling down, suddenly, violently and all at once. There is not to be intense and profound grief that hydrates fear in this rude awakening, quite the contrary.  Smoke clears on this your new playing field!  Resistance to change has been torn down . . . BY FORCE IF NECESSARY.  Breathe.  Breathe deeply!  Long exhales.  The only thing left is the truth of what simply is . . . NOW.  Forget your preconceptions.  The components of them that really infuse your vision will never leave.  You have made room for something new.  You can build with that!  No-one said this one’s going to be easy.  Your whole life may have just turned upside down.  Breathe the change.  Set forms for new foundations under your new dreams as you may have just accomplished the ones you had! A pond turning over is stinky and tumultuous.  And, though the pond may be more fertile the next day, the next day is not yet here.  For your own sake, and take this to heart: remember that throughout the duration of the event it is still a pond.  Search yourself.  The truth is there.  Nothing can destroy that in you.  Look to your truth for courage.  Breathe the change.  Build.  This could take a while.  And, if you can accomplish your life’s mission during your life . . . you’re not thinking big enough.  Trust yourself.  What do your strokes look like now.  Smile with no spite.

Me: Dang, tarot card or no tarot card, sounds suspiciously like … my life!

I really love your tower card … it is so fascinating because of course it at first sounds negative and then the interesting part comes when it says:

Smoke clears on this your new playing field! 

And I am clearing clearing clearing like mad amidst Mr. Payne in his Hummer limo. Doctor is back from vacation tomorrow, looking forward to seeing her sorry ass! Leavin’ me for two weeks, damnit!!! ;)  How dare she vacation in lovely wherever-she-went!

When she was gone, I fell down the stairs and grew a baseball-sized ball on the back of me, can you get over that? So I had to stop the pain medication because whatever was in the pain med was stopping the ball from diminishing because it was an (antidiuretic or a somethin’ - somethin’ that will retain water and calcium and not let it leave your ball! ;)  DAMN! I am officially a walking disaster!

Not really. I am really a happy person (seriously!) and if not for Mr Payne I would not be getting rid of ALL this stuff, motivated to do so, it is SO SO SO SO great!!!  I have had to make so many changes because of his ass and they are really good changes which will take a long time to get into place but they are worthy changes for a girl to make. So yaay!

Genie: (genie’s comments have been edited for brevity

(Wo)Man do you feel your life fully!

The smoke clears on this your new playing field! . . . like great shots of Anthony pitching . . . except older with YOUR rockin’ way!

I’d love to orchesterate your space . . . and then I think . . . you aren’t Hummer’ing your situation . . . you just about have a TEREX truck. . . F’IN HUGE piece of machinery you’re driving with YOU!

& upon further reflection . . . you should not refer to yourself as a disaster . . . heretofore it is deemed that Col is until further notice (from her herself ) “a beautiful wreck” . . . and THAT’s THAT! 

Hmm, let me try ‘n make it brief (gooood luck, Col! )

Long and bizarre story but I can’t take the pain meds for a week so OUCH Mr Payne is here parked on my head in a stretch limo but I’m not partying with him, I’m up and doing what I need to do and attempting to ignore his champagne-drinking ass! Hope he ties one on and then turns in early!

They got rid of this toxic mold, it was determined that I’ve been sick because of it … I’m still very ill … wondering if other things are also involved or perhaps it just got so bad that it will take a long time to resolve itself … I spent a week away from the house which I guess wasn’t enough time to get well, silly me I had thought I would feel better when I was elsewhere! Not so, not so!

Been doin’ LOTS o’ work at the house … just YESTERDAY while clearing a closet at the OTHER end of the house, where they said they found NO mold, I found mold absolutely ENGULFING one of my art portfolios, it was COVERED with mold of all sorts, white fluffy mold and black mold and even this funky YELLOW mold (yellow??) and was just the most horrendous looking stuff … so far gone … how could they not have picked that up on their indicators? I had said that I felt something was wrong in that area and they had said “no.” Anyway, glad to know this and to be able to address it.

Ok so this is not brief. Big surprise!   

I am *so* in go-go-go mode, so in addressing-it mode, super-motivated, feeling really good about it, sure Mr Payne is having a blast but I am feeling really happy which is weird but good. I am getting rid of so much stuff that I didn’t need and clearing and I think I needed to clear. If Mr Payne wasn’t so bad I wouldn’t have had the pressure to do this. He’s a big motivator.

So I’m doin’ the Payne Dance, which is sorta like the reverse rain dance