Every single moment of this … look at the motion he makes when he says “sparks ignite,” gesturing to where the pain has been for me, talking about “washing the sickened socket.” This is exactly how I’m feeling … every word, every syllable. And, for me, it’s quite hopeful.

‘Cept for “I’m a sex change” … still have to figure that one out! ;)  Maybe that means I’m in transition, going to be a brand new person after this. That sounds good, right?

Straight Line / Silverchair

Breathing from a hole in my lung
I had no one
But faces in front of me
Racing through the void in my head
To find traces of a good luck academy

Sparks ignite and trade them for thought
About no one
And nothing in particular
Washed the sickened socket and drove
Resent nothing
There’s good will inside of me

Wake me up lower the fever
Walking in a straight line
Set me on fire in the evening
Everything will be fine
Waking up strong in the morning
Walking in a straight line
Lately I’m a desperate believer
But walking in a straight line

Something I will never forget
I felt desperate
And stuck to the marrow
Invisible to everyone else
I’m a sex change
And a damsel with no heroine

Wake me up lower the fever
Walking in a straight line
Set me on fire in the evening
Everything will be fine
Waking up strong in the morning
Walking in a straight line
Lately I’m a desperate believer
But walking in a straight line

I don’t need no time to say
There’s no changing yesterday
If we keep talking and
I keep walking in straight lines

Wake me up lower the fever
Walking in a straight line
Set me on fire in the evening
Everything will be fine
Waking up strong in the morning
Walking in a straight line
Lately I’m a desperate believer
But walking in a straight line

- © Daniel Johns 2007 / Silverchair

Not much into poetic interpretation / yearn for clarity? Check out translation for what the lyrics mean to me … Or just bask in the beautiful vaguery!

Mr. Payne

Ok … as so often happens I cannot sleep …

I’m sitting here coughing and wondering why I’ve been sick for months and months and months and months and why no medication is making me better. And why pain comes and goes always here at some point during the day but who knows when and why and for how long.

See now he’s not Mr. Payne driving up in his convertible, now he’s pain plain and simple, I must be pissed

Not for lack of trying to live a healthy life on my part. I’m coughing up green stuff, NOT to gross ya out or anything over there, my fair reader but this is a sure sign to me that there is without a shadow of a doubt something physically wrong and that it’s not just this little head ‘o mine messin’ with me. I mean, I know it, they say it’s physical but sometimes I doubt myself, y’know? It’s so long and how can they not know or not have some solution? I don’t get it. How come they can’t just fix me, hmm?

Dang!

This is the way it was like four months ago. That’s a pretty long time dangnabbit! These are new words for me, does this mean I’m losing my mind? Dangnabbit? And the head pain, man, that’s been going on for well over a year.

And why is it like a car where you can sometimes drive it and hear the noises and sometimes not? Like ten minutes ago I sounded like a ninety year old man who smoked three packs a day for the past thirty years and now I’m silent … hmm … my lungs were rattling and now nothing … what’s up with that? I have to try not to breathe too deep so it doesn’t start. Ok so now I’m coughing but no rattling.

I don’t get it.

Part of me wants to run up to the nearest stranger yelling, “Help, help! Do whatever you want I don’t care, don’t tell me about it, don’t make me make any decisions, just do it and fix me!!!”

 And I don’t wanna be a whiny bitch

Ok so Payne just parked his purple Maserati on my face and I heard him trying to move his couch in through the door. I laid down like I used to and then cried for about ten minutes but I’m not pissed.

Mom caught me cryin’ for the first time in forever so she supportively came for a ride to the bank with me so I don’t bouncy-bounce any checks and she listened to I’d say about five minutes of how I felt and I’m over it now. (See how I’m minimizing by telling you it was exactly five minutes … did it work? Do you think I’m not a bitcher-n-moaner now?) It’s all good! Thank god for listeners!

And chocolate-chip-cookie-buyers and special treat vanilla-iced-coffee-buyers … for some reason I felt very happy walking into the house with those things, even though I normally don’t have those during the week. It felt like a security blanket of some kind, like I was a child who had just been through some trauma and who had done a good job and who had deserved three chocolate chip cookies and a vanilla iced coffee.

So content.

And thank god, seriously, for the soft in and out flow of my feelings around Payne and letting him come and go without it affecting my whole entire time on this earth. For example, looking at my feelings right now in this moment and seeing how at peace and content I feel, I’m so grateful for that … for the fact that Payne can dance on my head at 1pm and I can be happy again at nearly 1am.

Now that’s progress, people!

Stef sent me the pix of her birthday, the sweetheart, and little things like that make my day! I just love pix, don’t you? She’s a doll because I think I may have slightly traumatized her with my longish e-mail address, first-time-pix-sender and all … she did great!

Payne was packing his bags into his red Porsche last night getting ready for the trip back home … I think he lives in Oregon or somethin’ … when he heard me talking about how much fun I’m having here without him. Turns out the guy has a real jealous streak so he decided to stick around a little longer.

My lesson here is: “drop the fear.” When I saw him coming back in, I got scared and thought, “but hey, wait, what about all the things I’m doing?” scanning my mental list for what I could have done wrong to make him come back.

Which in and of itself is ok. Mental list. What did I do? Good to look at.

Maybe I did something. Accept the consequences.

Maybe I didn’t. Accept that life is imperfect. Or better said, “life is perfect in it’s imperfection.”

I think I made that up. Can I take credit?

So now that I have my houseguest back, at least for now, what will I do with him?

Last night, I laid down for about twenty minutes in Holly’s car while she negotiated a labyrinth of plans for watching fireworks with this or that set of kids in this or that location with this or that set of relatives. I detached myself from the process, put the seat back in the car, popped my shoes off and dangled my feet out the window as Payne and I closed our eyes and relaxed. I made sure she knew this was not a look of annoyance, it was the look of relaxation. I needed it.

Then I took Payne to see the fireworks.

It was a great scene, music down by the water and scads of people. At first I felt like crying, wishing my date was not Payne. Then Anthony, Holly’s 11 year old son, began making me laugh so much that I didn’t think about anything anymore. Laughing over nothing, you know? That’s the best laughter.

He leaned over and told me, “I’m going to copy whatever people say.” At first I had no idea what he meant but when I heard him doing it, it just struck me as so delightfully funny. A light went up in the sky and the crowd gasped, “ooooh” and there is Anthony next to me, “OOOOOH!!!” I’d hear a, “wooo-hoo!” from someone and then Anthony, “WOOOOOO-HOOOOOO!!!” For whatever reason, I got such a kick out of that.

The fireworks were the best I’ve ever seen, they were sort of magical it seemed … full of ten times extra sparkle and sizzle. It was gorgeous.

I missed my dance partner that night. It’s nice to have someone be your person even if they’re only your fake boyfriend. They put their hand on your back or stand behind you and when they see something special in the sky, they put their head next to yours and point it out to you.

My pretend boyfriend did that on Tuesday night when we were walking into the restaurant to dance. There was a noise and I turned to see only a dark sky. Apparently someone had set off fireworks but I didn’t see where they had been. He pulled me aside from behind, put his head next to mine and showed me where to look. Then we stood there together and it happened again. It was a special feeling, you know? Like a closeness. What a nice feeling to feel with your brand new pretend boyfriend.

So anyway, Payne was jealous and took advantage of the fact that I didn’t take my painkiller last night (Holly just reminded me of that … a-ha! That maaay have somethin’ to do with it, huh? He may not be willing to hit the road when you’re not taking your painkillers.)

But the good thing is, the painkillers actually *do* something now. The fact that I have leverage by how I spend my day and the things I eat and all that … the fact that I can see to it that the medication gets a fighting chance to work is really something. So I can’t give them up quite yet, ok no biggie. At least they work now. That’s very cool, right?

And being happy the majority of the time, that’s something too!