Ok … as so often happens I cannot sleep …

I’m sitting here coughing and wondering why I’ve been sick for months and months and months and months and why no medication is making me better. And why pain comes and goes always here at some point during the day but who knows when and why and for how long.

See now he’s not Mr. Payne driving up in his convertible, now he’s pain plain and simple, I must be pissed

Not for lack of trying to live a healthy life on my part. I’m coughing up green stuff, NOT to gross ya out or anything over there, my fair reader but this is a sure sign to me that there is without a shadow of a doubt something physically wrong and that it’s not just this little head ‘o mine messin’ with me. I mean, I know it, they say it’s physical but sometimes I doubt myself, y’know? It’s so long and how can they not know or not have some solution? I don’t get it. How come they can’t just fix me, hmm?

Dang!

This is the way it was like four months ago. That’s a pretty long time dangnabbit! These are new words for me, does this mean I’m losing my mind? Dangnabbit? And the head pain, man, that’s been going on for well over a year.

And why is it like a car where you can sometimes drive it and hear the noises and sometimes not? Like ten minutes ago I sounded like a ninety year old man who smoked three packs a day for the past thirty years and now I’m silent … hmm … my lungs were rattling and now nothing … what’s up with that? I have to try not to breathe too deep so it doesn’t start. Ok so now I’m coughing but no rattling.

I don’t get it.

Part of me wants to run up to the nearest stranger yelling, “Help, help! Do whatever you want I don’t care, don’t tell me about it, don’t make me make any decisions, just do it and fix me!!!”

 And I don’t wanna be a whiny bitch

1. motion ::  gym … dance … tennis … walk … personal home movement (only I know what that is!

2. connect in person with intelligent life form ::  see a friend … go somewhere … do something out in the delicious world

3. drink drink drink  ::  3 sporty curvy 23 oz bottles of refreshing yummy water with fiber in one of ‘em

4. thank challenge for the gift it is on the verge of bringing into my life

5. wake with “thank you” for there is always something to say that to

6. compliment someone / bless someone / love the unlovable

7. dance to life with music that makes me happy to be in this world and which makes me want to skip and play

8. be inspired by an Abraham-Hicks card

9. one load of laundry

10. five minutes of hot-spot prevention  

Hmm … which of these gems can I commit to truly and deeply and love and hug and frolic with oh so joyfully? There are actually a lot of them which I would like to fully commit to. I already do some of them daily, like 5 and 7. What a big diff those make in my morning, like night and day, right?   

Which ones would benefit me the most intensely and impactfully? I see I just made up that word because Outlook is underlining it, yaay me for making up a cool word! I’d say 10 and 6 and hmm let’s throw 3 into the mix just for fun!

Ok so Payne just parked his purple Maserati on my face and I heard him trying to move his couch in through the door. I laid down like I used to and then cried for about ten minutes but I’m not pissed.

Mom caught me cryin’ for the first time in forever so she supportively came for a ride to the bank with me so I don’t bouncy-bounce any checks and she listened to I’d say about five minutes of how I felt and I’m over it now. (See how I’m minimizing by telling you it was exactly five minutes … did it work? Do you think I’m not a bitcher-n-moaner now?) It’s all good! Thank god for listeners!

And chocolate-chip-cookie-buyers and special treat vanilla-iced-coffee-buyers … for some reason I felt very happy walking into the house with those things, even though I normally don’t have those during the week. It felt like a security blanket of some kind, like I was a child who had just been through some trauma and who had done a good job and who had deserved three chocolate chip cookies and a vanilla iced coffee.

So content.

And thank god, seriously, for the soft in and out flow of my feelings around Payne and letting him come and go without it affecting my whole entire time on this earth. For example, looking at my feelings right now in this moment and seeing how at peace and content I feel, I’m so grateful for that … for the fact that Payne can dance on my head at 1pm and I can be happy again at nearly 1am.

Now that’s progress, people!

Stef sent me the pix of her birthday, the sweetheart, and little things like that make my day! I just love pix, don’t you? She’s a doll because I think I may have slightly traumatized her with my longish e-mail address, first-time-pix-sender and all … she did great!

Payne was packing his bags into his red Porsche last night getting ready for the trip back home … I think he lives in Oregon or somethin’ … when he heard me talking about how much fun I’m having here without him. Turns out the guy has a real jealous streak so he decided to stick around a little longer.

My lesson here is: “drop the fear.” When I saw him coming back in, I got scared and thought, “but hey, wait, what about all the things I’m doing?” scanning my mental list for what I could have done wrong to make him come back.

Which in and of itself is ok. Mental list. What did I do? Good to look at.

Maybe I did something. Accept the consequences.

Maybe I didn’t. Accept that life is imperfect. Or better said, “life is perfect in it’s imperfection.”

I think I made that up. Can I take credit?

So now that I have my houseguest back, at least for now, what will I do with him?

Last night, I laid down for about twenty minutes in Holly’s car while she negotiated a labyrinth of plans for watching fireworks with this or that set of kids in this or that location with this or that set of relatives. I detached myself from the process, put the seat back in the car, popped my shoes off and dangled my feet out the window as Payne and I closed our eyes and relaxed. I made sure she knew this was not a look of annoyance, it was the look of relaxation. I needed it.

Then I took Payne to see the fireworks.

It was a great scene, music down by the water and scads of people. At first I felt like crying, wishing my date was not Payne. Then Anthony, Holly’s 11 year old son, began making me laugh so much that I didn’t think about anything anymore. Laughing over nothing, you know? That’s the best laughter.

He leaned over and told me, “I’m going to copy whatever people say.” At first I had no idea what he meant but when I heard him doing it, it just struck me as so delightfully funny. A light went up in the sky and the crowd gasped, “ooooh” and there is Anthony next to me, “OOOOOH!!!” I’d hear a, “wooo-hoo!” from someone and then Anthony, “WOOOOOO-HOOOOOO!!!” For whatever reason, I got such a kick out of that.

The fireworks were the best I’ve ever seen, they were sort of magical it seemed … full of ten times extra sparkle and sizzle. It was gorgeous.

I missed my dance partner that night. It’s nice to have someone be your person even if they’re only your fake boyfriend. They put their hand on your back or stand behind you and when they see something special in the sky, they put their head next to yours and point it out to you.

My pretend boyfriend did that on Tuesday night when we were walking into the restaurant to dance. There was a noise and I turned to see only a dark sky. Apparently someone had set off fireworks but I didn’t see where they had been. He pulled me aside from behind, put his head next to mine and showed me where to look. Then we stood there together and it happened again. It was a special feeling, you know? Like a closeness. What a nice feeling to feel with your brand new pretend boyfriend.

So anyway, Payne was jealous and took advantage of the fact that I didn’t take my painkiller last night (Holly just reminded me of that … a-ha! That maaay have somethin’ to do with it, huh? He may not be willing to hit the road when you’re not taking your painkillers.)

But the good thing is, the painkillers actually *do* something now. The fact that I have leverage by how I spend my day and the things I eat and all that … the fact that I can see to it that the medication gets a fighting chance to work is really something. So I can’t give them up quite yet, ok no biggie. At least they work now. That’s very cool, right?

And being happy the majority of the time, that’s something too!

Until Rory re-emerges from my past and teaches me how to do one of his magical mystical pain-dissolving head massages, I will file this in my mental file cabinet under “stuff to do for next boyfriend.” They also have a video How to Massage Yourself which I considered taking a peek at but naaah! I’m good.

VideoJug: How To Do An Indian Head Massage

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