So here’s the thing. I can be safe and secure without knowing where things are going.

“C’mon, Col … what? You?”

Yes, me. Look. Here I am safe and secure on the rockin’ rollercoaster … and having a BLAST might I add. Picture this … it’s dark, you don’t know where you’re going, you couldn’t get off if you wanted to … and it’s A FUN RIDE.

That can be life. Trust. Everything is being taken care of. I feel peaceful and confident. Nobody can hurt me.

The key is to stay in the moment and enjoy what’s happening RIGHT NOW.

Appreciate each new surprise. Remember, it’s a rollercoaster going up and down and all around.

So here’s after …

… what do you see? A little bit’a safe and secure? Oh yeah!

Kevin showed me what it’s like to be safe and secure. Now I know what that feels like and it’s a little bit like this …

• rushing water
• pink
• hip-hop music
• strutty
• trust
• peace
• confidence
• love
• hope
• harmony
• strength
• I’m ok right here, right now … at any moment

So my next task is to finish up my Jedi training so I can be in the relationship that’s right around the corner. He’s no longer the life preserver so he’s free to be in my life … or not to be in my life … in a fresh, new way. (Thank you, Mary, for pointing this out to me!)

So now is when I let go and enjoy the ride.

“When they attack you and you notice that you love them with all your heart, your Work is done.” 

- Byron Katie

When someone you love to the ends of the world and back is mentally bashing you in the face without a good reason, you just have to know they’re hurting sooooooo badly. And each time you hear “fuck you,” it’s really “I’m in pain.”

It may be very faint but if you listen real hard, I know you’ll hear it.

Had a dream last night that my cat Georgina had jumped out my window and hurt herself on the pavement outside. (Yes, it’s true! When I was little, I actually had CATS! Look, I have visual evidence!) Back inside at my feet, she felt all soft and fluffy and snugglishious and I wanted to curl up into a big hug with her but her toenails were clawing me, ouch!

People are like that sometimes. Warm and snuggly and accidentally hurting you. They don’t mean to.

Rumination is a big issue for me.

When something is going on in my world, I relive it again and again and again (dozens of times) in my mind. It’s like a cauldron of yukky stuff I’m taking a bath in. Ouch!

Yesterday I tried sending love to the person involved and shifting focus to another topic only to find my mind back there shortly thereafter, almost effortlessly and without even realizing it. This love-send-then-shift was good at first but then it became aggravating because I was starting to lose patience with myself after about the twentieth time.

Time for a new plan.

I tried out the word “compartmentalize” … picturing this stack of cubbies … picking the person up, putting them back into their cubby and closing the door on it. This works pretty well because I can actually laugh a bit as I see them scurry out of their cubbyhole and say, “Hey! How’d you get outa there?” … with a little bit more affection as I send them love.

I can even kiss them on the head before putting them back in and shutting the door.

I suspect I’m gonna have to continue working on this, as the pain I feel from rumination is quite intense but I’d say it’s a pretty good start.

Bunny said:

“I want to be evidence that there truly is hope that it can be done. We really can live spirit based, open-hearted, non-reactive - or at least if not non-reactive then committed to a quick willingness to do ‘the work,’ whatever form that takes, to get back on track.”

If you let go a little
You will have a little peace.
If you let go a lot
You will have a lot of peace.
If you let go completely
You will have complete peace.

—The Venerable Ajahn Chah, 20th century Buddhist monk

I just learned something pretty interesting! We all probably knew this already but hearing it put in this language was really illuminating for me and helped to really drive it home. I’m told this is from The Sedona Method and the idea is this: 

————————————————————————-

We are not  our thoughts and we are not  our feelings … they are not attached  to us.

————————————————————————-

We say, “I am  sad” … “I am  happy” … rather than the truer, “I feel  sad” … “I feel  happy.” This is something I never even thought about. Yet this tiny shift in language is a powerful one.

Because …

If thoughts and feelings ARE  us, if they are ATTACHED  to us, then they’re troublesome little devils. They’re stuck.

And sometimes, we need to let go.

When I separate myself with a little word like “feel” … that’s a good shift for me. I like it. Thoughts/feelings can come and go and I’m still here in full, radiant Col-ness.

This is good.

I would like to change my language to the latter, “I feel (whatever)” whenever possible … which I suppose is always … it’s always possible, right?

Anyway, here’s where I got this from … it’s a book called “Happy For No Reason” by Marci Shimoff.

Marci says:

In Borneo, the natives have an ingenious technique for capturing the wild monkeys that raid their crops and stores of food. They take an empty coconut shell and make a small hole in it, just large enough for a monkey’s hand. They put some rice into the coconut for bait and tie the coconut down to the ground. The thieving monkey, smelling the food, comes to investigate. He sticks his hand inside the coconut to grab the rice, but when he tries to pull his hand out, because it’s clasped in a fist around the rice, it won’t fit through the hole anymore. To escape, the monkey must let go of the rice. Because they won’t let go, the monkeys of Borneo remain trapped!

A lot of us are like those monkeys: trapped by our negative thoughts because we just won’t let go of them. And the more we resist them, the more they stick around. It doesn’t help to try pushing them away—they’ll just keep coming back.

Another way to address our troubling thoughts is to go beyond our minds and connect with the feelings associated with the negative thoughts. It’s the feeling that keeps the thought glued to the mind. When we welcome the feeling, accept it and then let it go, the thought will quite miraculously dissolve. An effective way to do this is through a simple, yet powerful, technique called the Sedona Method.

The Sedona Method is based on two main premises:

• Thoughts and feelings aren’t facts and they’re not you.
• You can let them go.

• At your core you already have the happiness you are seeking and all you need to do is uncover this natural happiness by letting go of the unhappiness or limitation that appears to be covering or obstructing it.

  Read more about it here: The Sedona Method: Your Key to Lasting Happiness, Success, Peace and Emotional Well-Being

  
  

I hereby announce … I plan on being one of the <insert amount here> percent who do not cheat on their person and who have a happily ever after. I googled “% of men cheat” and decided that rather than pondering the mysteries of the divorce rate as I have in the past, I am going to be inspired by the <insert awe-inspiring number here> percent of people who stay together. <Superduper-awe-inspiring amount> is great, right? Wow!!! Can I be in THAT group? Yaay!

Mary, queen of smart, says “Surrender into the reality that it is true … Continue to relax more and more into it. Keep coming back and re-creating.”

See, I get to create my relationship, see?

I get to say how great it is and how full of light and joy and love. I get to say how much we can communicate when a blip happens. And how much I can step up to the plate when I see he needs help. Or ask for what I need when I need a hand.

We promised to understand that it will not always be perfect. We promised to stick through any tough time and to know that it will pass. We promised to do all we can to make sure it’s always as great as it can be and to support one another as much as we can.

What was my goal?

“A delightfully fun-filled, sweet, soulful, supportive, contented, healthy, loving relationship grounded in trust and filled with positive energy with a special, affectionate, easy-going, loyal, supportive, loving man who adores me and laughs with me every day for years to come.”

Mary (and Kevin) say I have the opportunity to receive it for a lifetime.

Isn’t that cool? A lifetime!

Today … and just in time, too! … I found this supercool article about How to Change the People Around You. HA!

First of all, don’t you just love and smile at and eat up the name of it? It’s just so delicious.

I so despise negativity and when people get mad at traffic and situations … and then I realized that my despising it is just another level of NOT Loving What Is.

Ok now it’s complicated here, try to stay with me!

Level One, which I have mastered beautifully, is to not get mad at the traffic or the situations or the stupid shit that arises all around me every day because it is just that. Stupid shit.

And it will rear its silly head each and every day as sure as I know the sun will rise.

And I may (or may not … often not) get tweaked for a split second before I realize it’s just stupid everyday stuff that is meant to be there. So often I will not even be irked at all, which is truly a delight. It just does NOT even matter.

If I do get miffed for a moment, I can pretend-vent-scream in my car for a split second and then laugh at the driver who did the exact same inane thing I may have done the week before.

I am doing stupid shit ALL the time, let me tell you, I am so imperfect that it allows for other drivers to be let off the hook dozens of times in memory of my own foibles.

And if I have not made that particular transgression, they still get a pass.

So those things are on Level One of Loving What Is.

Now, the more intricate and difficult to master and heretofore completely uncharted territory of Level Two is thinking that others should be Loving What Is. A-ha! You see? What a tricky web we weave when we are trying to be happy and free! We need to drag everybody else in on our joyride and they may not be coming! How dare they not come!

So now I need to allow them to be stuck in the muck. And to know that that is ok and to love that reality. Damn! That was hard for me.

Or not.

They should be Loving What Is … Is that true? Can I really know that that’s true? They should be upset … because they are. That is what is real and true. That is what is happening right now. Accept it and allow it to be.

I have the power to choose what I focus on and I can allow them to be what they are being right now without thinking they shouldn’t be it. I can still be what I am, that does not need to change. They are feeling upset. I am not.

And both things are ok. Both are perfect and right.

I’m up for a challenge. Level Two here I come, I’m ready to play!

I came to this really great conclusion shortly ago … one of those conclusions that feels peaceful so you know it’s just the right one. Sharing it with you.

‘Bout dating:

I decided I’m not going to base my decisions on fear, back-up plans or what somebody else is doing (meaning: are they dating other people or are they dating just me … “if they are dating others then I will date others, if they are not then I will not”).

What do *I* want to be doing? What makes *me* comfortable and happy? That’s all that’s important.

Simple and easy. I like it! (Don’t you?) J

1. motion ::  gym … dance … tennis … walk … personal home movement (only I know what that is!

2. connect in person with intelligent life form ::  see a friend … go somewhere … do something out in the delicious world

3. drink drink drink  ::  3 sporty curvy 23 oz bottles of refreshing yummy water with fiber in one of ‘em

4. thank challenge for the gift it is on the verge of bringing into my life

5. wake with “thank you” for there is always something to say that to

6. compliment someone / bless someone / love the unlovable

7. dance to life with music that makes me happy to be in this world and which makes me want to skip and play

8. be inspired by an Abraham-Hicks card

9. one load of laundry

10. five minutes of hot-spot prevention  

Hmm … which of these gems can I commit to truly and deeply and love and hug and frolic with oh so joyfully? There are actually a lot of them which I would like to fully commit to. I already do some of them daily, like 5 and 7. What a big diff those make in my morning, like night and day, right?   

Which ones would benefit me the most intensely and impactfully? I see I just made up that word because Outlook is underlining it, yaay me for making up a cool word! I’d say 10 and 6 and hmm let’s throw 3 into the mix just for fun!

 

I

am

proactive!

Ok so I was sorta down because I don’t have this fabulous relationship and all this stuff I though I’d have by the age of 42, right? So then I figured, hey … what are some things that I *get* to do because I’m a single girl, with no kids, with no boyfriend, free, and all that? All the things I was bummed about not having, well what are the things I get to do because I don’t have those things? What does happy single Col GET to do?

“Get” is such a great word! I love “get”!

So on Friday night I got to dress up in this ultra-sexy top which I had questioned the plunge of when I bought it (would the guy I was dating approve of all this cleavage? Well, look ma, no guy!) and strappy shoes … oh, right and jean capris, I did in fact have bottoms on … and go out with my friend Veronica to this cool place with brick walls and candlelight to take a salsa class and dance for three hours with this cute 6’ 1” guy who is at least 10 years younger than me and on Saturday night I got to go back and do it all again, why? Because I FELT like it!

And I got to say yes when he asked me to be his dance partner for the rest of the summer.

I got to plan whatever I want for whenever I want.

I got to work out three times last week and I got to feel absolutely great about that.

I got to go kayaking in the crazy, choppy waves with Rich, laughing my butt off and feeling like I was in some bad movie, with some best boy hired to toss buckets of water on me at all the worst moments … NEVER sit in the front, ladies, NEVER sit in the front! “Aaaw, he’s lettin’ me sit in the front, how nice!” NO! It’s NOT nice! He’s a big pussy bastard, that’s what it is!

I got to go to the beach in my bikini and lie in the sun like a little mermaid.

I got to plan to go whitewater rafting with Holly and her super-enthused son. I got to think what other adrenaline-junkie adventures a single mermaid could dream up.

I got to not eat artificial colors and artificial flavors and red wine and cheese and high fructose corn syrup and other things and I got to see that my pain lessened. Which may be a coincidence and may be by design. And I got to choose.

I got to start up a list of what works for me food-wise because certain foods work just great for me and I get to be in control of my life. And sometimes I can have some of what doesn’t work and I can have a little bit of that if I choose and I can also choose not to if I want not to. It’s all about choice.

And moderation.

And nothing is wrong. Just a different choice.

And everything is passing. If I make one choice in this moment, I live with that choice in that moment and tomorrow I will make a new choice, which may be different and it may be similar, it’s ever-evolving.

I had a revelation. I didn’t owe money. I got out of debt and I was so not wanting to be back there. Then I invested money in annarosejewelry.com and suddenly I had debt again, wow I bummed out about that for a bit … it was my fantasy hope to only use money I had and to be tarnish-free for the rest of my life! But you know what? It’s ok. It’s not like I’m ten thousand dollars in debt or something.

Plus, Life is to be lived.

Right? And as far as I can see, I’m not dead yet.