So I joined Bob Doyle’s 45-day Boundless Living Challenge and holy-moley are there a lot of supportive people over there!

My 45-Day Challenge? Looking for a fun-filled, sweet, soulful, supportive, contented, healthy, loving relationship grounded in trust and filled with positive energy with a special, affectionate, easy-going, loyal, supportive and loving man.

Someone who is just a tad spiritual-minded or positive in spirit … In other words, he knows enough not to sweat the small stuff!

Wish me luck, it’s a jungle out there!

Follow the progress of my Boundless Living Relationship Challenge.

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“When they attack you and you notice that you love them with all your heart, your Work is done.” 

- Byron Katie

When someone you love to the ends of the world and back is mentally bashing you in the face without a good reason, you just have to know they’re hurting sooooooo badly. And each time you hear “f** you,” it’s really “I’m in pain.”

It may be very faint but if you listen real hard, I know you’ll hear it.

Had a dream last night that my cat Georgina had jumped out my window and hurt herself on the pavement outside. (Yes, it’s true! When I was little, I actually had CATS! Look, I have visual evidence!) Back inside at my feet, she felt all soft and fluffy and snugglishious and I wanted to curl up into a big hug with her but her toenails were clawing me, ouch!

People are like that sometimes. Warm and snuggly and accidentally hurting you. They don’t mean to.

I hereby announce … I plan on being one of the <insert amount here> percent who do not cheat on their person and who have a happily ever after. I googled “% of men cheat” and decided that rather than pondering the mysteries of the divorce rate as I have in the past, I am going to be inspired by the <insert awe-inspiring number here> percent of people who stay together. <Superduper-awe-inspiring amount> is great, right? Wow!!! Can I be in THAT group? Yaay!

Mary, queen of smart, says “Surrender into the reality that it is true … Continue to relax more and more into it. Keep coming back and re-creating.”

See, I get to create my relationship, see?

I get to say how great it is and how full of light and joy and love. I get to say how much we can communicate when a blip happens. And how much I can step up to the plate when I see he needs help. Or ask for what I need when I need a hand.

I promise to understand that it will not always be perfect. I promise to stick through any tough time and to know that it will pass. I promise to do all I can to make sure it’s always as great as it can be and to support one another as much as we can.

What was my goal?

“A delightfully fun-filled, sweet, soulful, supportive, contented, healthy, loving relationship grounded in trust and filled with positive energy with a special, affectionate, easy-going, loyal, supportive, loving man who adores me and laughs with me every day for years to come.”

Mary says I have the opportunity to receive it for a lifetime.

Isn’t that cool? A lifetime!

Today … and just in time, too! … I found this supercool article about How to Change the People Around You. HA!

First of all, don’t you just love and smile at and eat up the name of it? It’s just so delicious.

I so despise negativity and when people get mad at traffic and situations … and then I realized that my despising it is just another level of NOT Loving What Is.

Ok now it’s complicated here, try to stay with me!

Level One, which I have mastered beautifully, is to not get mad at the traffic or the situations or the stupid sh*t that arises all around me every day because it is just that. Stupid sh*t.

And it will rear its silly head each and every day as sure as I know the sun will rise.

And I may (or may not … often not) get tweaked for a split second before I realize it’s just stupid everyday stuff that is meant to be there. So often I will not even be irked at all, which is truly a delight. It just does NOT even matter.

If I do get miffed for a moment, I can pretend-vent-scream in my car for a split second and then laugh at the driver who did the exact same inane thing I may have done the week before.

I am doing stupid sh*t ALL the time, let me tell you, I am so imperfect that it allows for other drivers to be let off the hook dozens of times in memory of my own foibles.

And if I have not made that particular transgression, they still get a pass.

So those things are on Level One of Loving What Is.

Now, the more intricate and difficult to master and heretofore completely uncharted territory of Level Two is thinking that others should be Loving What Is. A-ha! You see? What a tricky web we weave when we are trying to be happy and free! We need to drag everybody else in on our joyride and they may not be coming! How dare they not come!

So now I need to allow them to be stuck in the muck. And to know that that is ok and to love that reality. Damn! That was hard for me.

Or not.

They should be Loving What Is … Is that true? Can I really know that that’s true? They should be upset … because they are. That is what is real and true. That is what is happening right now. Accept it and allow it to be.

I have the power to choose what I focus on and I can allow them to be what they are being right now without thinking they shouldn’t be it. I can still be what I am, that does not need to change. They are feeling upset. I am not.

And both things are ok. Both are perfect and right.

I’m up for a challenge. Level Two here I come, I’m ready to play!

The real thing we should be looking for, which I accidentally find from time to time, is the feeling that what you just naturally do fits what another person just naturally needs.

And you don’t have to take advanced classes to pass this relationship’s final exam. It’s effortless.

Not in the traditional sense of the word … without effort … because it does require effort, mainly in the form of open-heart communication and radical honesty … but the things-flow and I-can-breathe version of that word … the magical word  e f f o r t l e s s and all the space that allows around you and how calm and peaceful it makes you feel and the smile it puts on your face because you can just relax and BE.

Because being fully Col is a beautiful thing.

.

 ( author unknown- coming to me via my brilliant friend Marian )

• A tendency to think and act deliberately rather than from fears based on past expectations
• An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment
• A loss of interest in judging others
• A loss of interest in judging SELF
• A loss of interest in conflict
• A LOSS OF INTEREST IN INTERPRETING THE ACTIONS OF OTHERS ( Marian couldn’t help but enlarge this one! Hmm … why is that? )
• A loss of ability to worry
• Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation
• Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature
• Increasing susceptibility to kindness offered and the uncontrollable urge to reciprocate
• AN INCREASING TENDENCY TO ALLOW THINGS TO UNFOLD RATHER THAN RESISTING AND MANIPULATING

Woweee! What good stuff! My friends also said this other good stuff …

Hi Col,

Wow, you sound…human. It is so easy to slip into the future and  to worrying about it and those voices in our head are there to keep us safe. They just go overboard some times. Stay in the present, man in front of you saying he (is not dating) anyone else. How do you feel when you think the thought, I need to know that he is not looking for someone else to protect myself? But you know all this and so do I. You are safe right now and none of us have guarantees about the future, each moment is a gift and you are a gift to the peaceful warriors, and  to your new friend. You continue to inspire me with your openness and awareness!! Stay present, continue to examine your thoughts and enjoy this relationship!

Much love,

Marian

————-
Hi Col:

First and foremost, remember this: You’ve already got more than half the battle won:  you’re developing the self-awareness to be able to notice when you are playing the game.    From here, change is possible!

So.. next step: what self-coaching questions can you shift  to whenever you find yourself playing that game?

I can imagine all kinds – these three – all very different – might help you shift to generating your own list:

What matters most?

If I were living a blissful life regardless of guy-status, what would I be doing now?

What am I not facing by playing the what if game?

Have fun with this – brainstorming good questions for yourself is strengthening your “I can choose again” muscle.

And one last thought: when you catch yourself playing what if…, its time to congratulate yourself for noticing, so that shifting  perspective is possible.    There is a pothole on this street – its called beating ourselves up when we notice as if we’ve caught ourselves doing something wrong -but that detours way off in the wrong direction, so mark it on your map but don’t go there!

Here’s a thought, kind of a simple-pool-of-water kind of a thought, that came after I read your note:

fall in love with yourself first

There is so much to love in you!  I can’t imagine our PW circle without your rich and generous spirit.

xoxo
Kim

————

Col,

What if, no matter what, you are going to end up with the perfect relationship? What if, the perfect man for you is going to find you? What if, he is the perfect man and what’s going on right now is all in your head….

Just a thought of some what if’s that can help you. REMEMBER, you make your own reality. Accept what is, if he is looking to date someone else and you find out, no matter what YOU’RE SAFE because you choose to be safe. No one can change that or take that from you. Love yourself and have confidence in your choices. Know that if you find out he’s lying and dating others than it is a blessing to know one more guy who ISN’T Mr. Right and be one step closer to the man who is.

What if, YOU ARE PERFECT just he way you ARE?! Let God’s light shine through your genuine personality and leave the worrying up to somebody else. Just enjoy what you do have and don’t fret on the what ifs… because the more you obsess the more likely you’ll bring that upon yourself.

Remember you are as safe as you choose to be. You can have a totally open heart with the agreement to yourself that no matter the
outcome, its okay! Because it was meant to be that way and it will always turn out right!

Lots of love and comfort to you,
Stephanie

(Where do I get this stuff?

Each situation I experience with another person is the perfect and necessary one for my evolution.

Because of this, it is important that I do not cling to negative emotions such as anguish, depression, frustration or anger and that I view it at every moment as what life wants to teach me.

Each person I know has a message for me and until I listen to it, it is highly probable (trust me! ) that it will be repeated.

In every situation, repeat to myself:
Everything is perfect.
In time, it will be crystal clear.

So that piece was paraphrased from some numerology or astrology thing which I excavated in my clearing process today, what a cool discovery! Great magic, great synchronicity!

A former therapist of mine had done this super-in-depth astro-workup on me and it’s actually really fascinating and really spot on although I’m at the same time thrilled to find that my own notes from that time are sooo very OFF … what I was looking for in a relationship sounds like some silly fairy tale  and my feelings were exaggerated and immature … BOY have I come a LONG way, DAMN! I would’a been a nightmare to have a relationship with, how come guys always said I was the best girlfriend they ever had? I had some pretty unhealthy patterns goin’ on there!

So nice and so great to breathe in the major difference I feel now. Thank you god, thank you universe!

So here is the modern-day piece:

What-If Scenarios

If I do pull a what-if, I do it out of self-protection. As a general rule, I am not a what-iffer. I do not believe in what-iffing, unless it’s what-if-UPping … “What if I go to work today and everybody loves me?”  That’s an example of some nice what-if-upping!

Nevertheless, there are occasions when I pull a fast one and take to what-iffing. I have been doing it a bunch lately, to my dismay. I need to keep redirecting myself.

Scenario A :: Worst-Case
“What if the guy I’m dating is looking for somebody else to hook up with on match.com? I need to know that and to protect myself” is the theoretical concept here.

Scenario B :: Pre-Approval
“I just want you to know that when we go to California, if I’m sick, I may want to lie down.” This is when I want someone to be prepared for a possible scenario, again to protect myself. In this scenario, the what-if that I’ve warned them about often doesn’t even occur. I may go, feel sick and then just suck it up and have fun anyway and the person wouldn’t even have known it. But I want them to understand that the possibility exists so they know what may happen and not get upset if it does happen. I want them to accept me, either way. To get pre-approval.

I need to find ways to make myself feel safe.

Ask myself:

• Is this coming from fear or is this a legitimate thing that’s happening? (Can I really know that it’s true?)
• What are the odds that it will happen?

Do what I can to “pick off” assumptions, like in a tin-can alley (is that what you call those things where you shoot the tin targets?)

• Replace the thought with a new one.
• Body work: deep breath, notice feet on floor, reach up … anything to interrupt the pattern.
• Get busy doing.

This one is a work in progress so I’ll keep you updated as I discover new and wondrous ways for Col to make herself feel s a f e !

I came to this really great conclusion shortly ago … one of those conclusions that feels peaceful so you know it’s just the right one. Sharing it with you.

‘Bout dating:

I decided I’m not going to base my decisions on fear, back-up plans or what somebody else is doing (meaning: are they dating other people or are they dating just me … “if they are dating others then I will date others, if they are not then I will not”).

What do *I* want to be doing? What makes *me* comfortable and happy? That’s all that’s important.

Simple and easy. I like it! (Don’t you?) J

Until Rory re-emerges from my past and teaches me how to do one of his magical mystical pain-dissolving head massages, I will file this in my mental file cabinet under “stuff to do for next boyfriend.” They also have a video How to Massage Yourself which I considered taking a peek at but naaah! I’m good.

Massage:How To Do An Indian Head Massage

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I

am

proactive!

Ok so I was sorta down because I don’t have this fabulous relationship and all this stuff I though I’d have by the age of 42, right? So then I figured, hey … what are some things that I *get* to do because I’m a single girl, with no kids, with no boyfriend, free, and all that? All the things I was bummed about not having, well what are the things I get to do because I don’t have those things? What does happy single Col GET to do?

“Get” is such a great word! I love “get”!

So on Friday night I got to dress up in this ultra-sexy top which I had questioned the plunge of when I bought it (would the guy I was dating approve of all this cleavage? Well, look ma, no guy!) and strappy shoes … oh, right and jean capris, I did in fact have bottoms on … and go out with my friend Veronica to this cool place with brick walls and candlelight to take a salsa class and dance for three hours with this cute 6’ 1” guy who is at least 10 years younger than me and on Saturday night I got to go back and do it all again, why? Because I FELT like it!

And I got to say yes when he asked me to be his dance partner for the rest of the summer.

I got to plan whatever I want for whenever I want.

I got to work out three times last week and I got to feel absolutely great about that.

I got to go kayaking in the crazy, choppy waves with Rich, laughing my butt off and feeling like I was in some bad movie, with some best boy hired to toss buckets of water on me at all the worst moments … NEVER sit in the front, ladies, NEVER sit in the front! “Aaaw, he’s lettin’ me sit in the front, how nice!” NO! It’s NOT nice! He’s a big pussy bastard, that’s what it is!

I got to go to the beach in my bikini and lie in the sun like a little mermaid.

I got to plan to go whitewater rafting with Holly and her super-enthused son. I got to think what other adrenaline-junkie adventures a single mermaid could dream up.

I got to not eat artificial colors and artificial flavors and red wine and cheese and high fructose corn syrup and other things and I got to see that my pain lessened. Which may be a coincidence and may be by design. And I got to choose.

I got to start up a list of what works for me food-wise because certain foods work just great for me and I get to be in control of my life. And sometimes I can have some of what doesn’t work and I can have a little bit of that if I choose and I can also choose not to if I want not to. It’s all about choice.

And moderation.

And nothing is wrong. Just a different choice.

And everything is passing. If I make one choice in this moment, I live with that choice in that moment and tomorrow I will make a new choice, which may be different and it may be similar, it’s ever-evolving.

I had a revelation. I didn’t owe money. I got out of debt and I was so not wanting to be back there. Then I invested money in annarosejewelry.com and suddenly I had debt again, wow I bummed out about that for a bit … it was my fantasy hope to only use money I had and to be tarnish-free for the rest of my life! But you know what? It’s ok. It’s not like I’m ten thousand dollars in debt or something.

Plus, Life is to be lived.

Right? And as far as I can see, I’m not dead yet.